Not Everyone Deserves Access to You: Boundaries and Saying No Without Guilt

If you're always the one holding it together, taking care of everyone else—this is for you. Here's the truth: not everyone deserves access to you.

We often think of boundaries as something we set around work, friendships, or relationships. But what if we included emotional boundaries in that list too? Let’s talk about the messages we've been fed, and how they shape the way we show up, overextend, and burn out.

What We Were Taught vs. What We Actually Need

There are a million messages we’ve internalized growing up:

• Be nice

• Don’t be difficult

• Keep the peace

• Always be available

• Don’t be “too much”

  
  

These messages go even deeper when filtered through our identities. For queer folks, BIPOC, parents, disabled folks—those teachings often sound like:

• Don’t take up space

• Don’t talk about your partner

• Hide your truth

• Don’t be visibly queer

  
  

And the lists go on.

When we internalize this, it shows up as people-pleasing, hypervigilance, and eventually burnout. We spend so much time wondering Will they still like me if I show up differently? It’s exhausting. And it’s exactly how systems maintain control by teaching us that our worth is tied to how palatable and helpful we are.

But here’s the thing: Unlearning people-pleasing is radical work.

People jumping and playing on Pillows. Be Free!

The Cost of Constant Accessibility

For so many of us, saying “no” is hard. We want to be helpful. We worry someone won’t like us. Sometimes, saying no comes with real consequences, especially if you’ve learned it’s safer to stay agreeable.

But that “yes” eventually turns into resentment.

As a mom, I feel this constantly. I’m the one holding the mental checklist: doctor appointments, school theme days, bedtime routines. And sometimes I think: Why do I always carry this? Why am I the default?

How This Shows Up in Therapy

I see this all the time in the therapy room.Clients who constantly say “I’m fine,” even when they’re unraveling. People stuck in cycles of shame, people-pleasing, and emotional burnout.

We often don’t recognize that these are boundary issues because the world has taught us to feel guilty for protecting our energy.

But what if selfishness isn’t bad?What if there’s a healthy kind of selfish that protects your joy and your survival?

What Boundaries Are (And What They Aren’t)

Boundaries are not punishments.They’re not something we “do to” other people. Boundaries are clarity.

Some examples:

• “I don’t have the capacity to talk about this right now.”

• “I care about you, and I need some space today.”

• “I’m not available to help with that, but I hope it works out.

  
  

It might feel weird to say those out loud. It might make your body freak out a little. That’s because it goes against everything we were taught.

But boundaries protect your relationships. They let you stay in connection without abandoning yourself.

Saying No is a Skill—Not a Personality Flaw

If those examples made your stomach flip a little? You’re not alone. Guilt isn’t proof something is wrong, it’s proof that you were socialized not to choose yourself.

Saying no is a skill. And like any skill, it takes practice, and nervous system repetition.

Imagine taking up space with your whole body.

Unclench your shoulders. Open your chest. Take up as much damn space as you need to.

That’s not too much. That’s you.

How Interna Holds This

At Interna, we get invisible labor—because we carry it too.

We’re not therapists who will make you justify your exhaustion. We’re not here to pathologize your people-pleasing or gaslight your burnout.

We’re here to help you practice boundaries, not just talk about them. Want to tell your therapist that something didn’t sit right?Want to practice saying, “I don’t think you’re understanding me”? This is your place to do that.

We center Queer, BIPOC, and Neurodivergent voices. And we know that burnout doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it's shaped by systems. It’s shaped by harm. And it’s shaped by what we were taught to ignore.

We hold space to unlearn that together.

Finally: You Don’t Have to Earn Rest

You don’t need a crisis to justify your boundaries. You don’t have to be on the edge to take a breath. You're allowed to take up space and say “no” without apology.

We want to help you get to that place where your nervous system actually believes that.

Visit us at internamentalhealth.com to schedule a free consult.Let’s take one small, powerful step toward rest, clarity, and a life that’s actually sustainable.

May we all be “too much.”

About The Author:

Bee Thomas, MSW, LICSW

I am a therapist and a Board Approved Supervisor for pre-licensed individuals. specialize in Gender, Trauma, the LGBTQIA+ community and exploring our own identities. I love exploring how systems interact in our day to day life. Bee loves to add some humor and weirdness to therapy.